But everybody's gone and I've been here for too long to face this on my own; well I guess this is growing up

So. I keep freaking out about this coming semester. not only that, but what happens after this December.
I feel my HR speeding up, and my breathing gets faster and I have to force myself to keep breathing, at a regular rate.
I feel like I do the week before a test when I realize, hey I have a huge test (like we do everyother week for 2 years) that covers 7 chapters. and then Hey. I have to get at least a 75 on this test to pass the course (which I always get at least an 85) and then I worry about when I will have time to study (altho I never study cuz I don't know how, and I don't retain anything I didn't hear in class). and then I'm fine until like a day before the test I freak out because I DIDN'T study, altho I never do, and I always do fine. then I panic until I get the results, and I always find out I did fine.
But this is different. This is me freaking out because this is my LAST semester, and I am worried about f'n it up. What if I fail? What if I get a mean clinical instructor and I fail. I don't know how to study, and everyone says this courseload is a lot harder than the last 3 semesters. What if I can't maintain at least a 75 and I fail Theory? I haven't used any real skills since Janurary. What if I forget how to do a tube feeding? Or a Urinary Catheter? Or a Sterile Wound Dressing? What if I forget how to do anything? What if I fail horribly in clinical? Or worse yet. What if I pass? Then, I have to take my boards. What if I fail the boards? (altho Crouse has a 97% pass rate on the boards the first time). AND THEN what if I become a real nurse? and I am 100% responsible for the well being of the pts, and I have like 6 pts in one shift that I have to keep alive. I haven't even figured out WHERE I want to work. I have until October or November before I begin applying places, and by Janurary, if I pass, I will be working. I will be a nurse. WTF? THEN I have to figure out if I will keep going to school right away for my NP, or take a break. I am like freaking out. I have to be a real grownup soon with a real job, and figure out daycare and stuff and juggle all that with Vin and the girls and be a grownup. gosh. I can't even imagine being a real nurse. I want to so bad, but at the same time, it is terrifying. you can't make mistakes, in the last semester, or in real life when you are finally a nurse. You are the person that is in charge of these pts. you. no one else. the drs are lucky if they see the pts. once a week. it's up to you to be the go to person between the dr's and pt's. it's your job to keep them alive. god forbid, what if one of my pts code? wtf do I do? I have taken my 5 hour 'medical professional basic life support' cpr class. but that was on a dummy. wtf.

I have always done great in clinicals. I took a 40 hour week clinical in Jan on an oncology floor and my instructor raved that I was doing better than the girls that were already in their last semester. I juggled two high priority pts. One had luekemia, was 11 days into it, had 8 lines going in her, including a central, and had platelets being transfused in, heparin, Ca, Mg, and a variety of Abx. She had to have vitals every 10 for an hour then every 30 for the platelets, and blood draws for the Abx levels, and was on bleeding precautions for the heparin and leukocytosis precautions for the low (non exsistant) wbc levels. AND on top of that I had a homeless man who was on an Iron drip who had to have vitals every 15. AND when I got both of these pts, they were on nothing, and then the orders started coming in so I had to hang EVERYTHING. Yes. I hung like 9 bags of stuff including blood in like 2 hours. I didn't feel the least bit nervous. I just did what i had to do. My instructor was starting to look a little worried when I told her everything I had to do (including passing PO and SC meds sometime in between), but I didn't feel worried. I LOVE when things are chaotic and I make like a mental checklist of all the things to do, and I just do it. She told me at the end of the day, and weeks later at the eval how proud she was and how she got a kick outta me cuz I handled pts that were of higher complexity better than the 280 (last semester) students handled their pts. Oh yeah, and I learned how to hang Chemo, among other things.

I look at times like that when I had a million things to do and really sick pts, and wasn't stressed and then I wonder how the hell I get so stressed about my last semester and my upcoming responsibilities. yet, I still do. I still get so stressed. What if I fail? Half of the students failed last year (but I geuss they were all stupid) Our class has been told repeatedly that we are all very smart. we lost a lot the first semester (like normal) but (unlike normal) we only lost 3 since then. We all have between an 85 and 90ish average for the most part, and we are allreally close. I hope none of us fail, and I don't see many of us failing. Altho, I still worry I will. ha. I freak out and make contingency plans incase I do fail. I would have to hope I can get in the next semester and not ahve to wait. gosh. I hope I don't fail.


ok. enough stressing.

until later <3