aw man.

So, this thing I do everyday, where I don't sleep, has got to stop.

Mommy Guilt.

Ok. So I am totally stealing this word from another person's blog that I stalk, but it is very appropriate for the subject of todays whining, ranting, and/or pointless blog.

I have come across at least 4 different people in the last few weeks that have made me feel this "Mommy guilt", which I will describe as an awful, gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you panic, knowing that you can't possibly being doing what's best for your children. After all, doesn't everyone else know what's best for your children?

This "Mommy guilt" has been brought on by a variety of people. People I have randomly met at the grocery store, standing in line, talking about our jobs, and most of all, patients of mine, who wonder, "Where are your children while you work? Wow. You work alot, you must not be spending a lot of time with them. Wow, their father works to? Who are you entrusting your kids futures to, if their parents must work everyday?"

Yes. My kids are at daycare 5 days a week, 10-11 hours a day. Yes, sometimes we even have to have a babysitter on Saturdays, if we both have to work. Yes, I feel bad about this. However, I would rather have my kids fed, have a roof over their heads, and electricity, than worry about their futures without the supportive presence of their parents. Does that make me a bad parent?

I do feel guilty, and on my days off, despite how tired and/or cranky I may be, despite the days I go without sleeping, I make our days full of fun. Trips to the park, trips to the museum of play, the bounce house, the zoo. We have a good ol' time, making me forget about the fact that I spend more time at work, it seems, that with my children.

I was arguing this point, yes, arguing, with my bed-ridden, sick patient, who was arguing to the death that "can't you work part time, so that your children have a mother?". No. I can not work part time so that my children have a mother. The bills must get paid. What kind of mother would I be if we were living in a box on a corner? Oh, but I would be home with them. I would be a supportive presence in their lives. That would be okay. Thank God, a Doctor came in to save me. When he came out, he suggested I just bring my girls to work with me, and make them candy stripers. They could sit and talk to people in comas, just gab away all day/night, then I would always know where they were, and they would always be with me. Forget all the germs and diseases I would be exposing them to, at least I would be a supportive presence in their life.

I felt a little better, knowing that that doctor spent less time with his own children than I did. Does that make me a bad person?

However, when that doctor becomes an Attending, he can buy his kids 3 horses and a third house on the beach so that they forget he is not around. I am lucky if I have enough money left over after bills to give my girls a second helping of food. (Okay, this may be a slight exaggeration).

Does working a lot make me a bad person? Does the fact that on a day when the girls will not stop arguing and yelling and fighting, I am just counting down the hours until I go to work? However, when I have had a hard night at work, the thing I want most is to just come home and hug my little girls. Does that make up for my wanting to get away? Is it selfish to want to leave and go to work and converse with adults that I do not share a life with? That I won't argue with about bills and how to raise our children? To be able to have normal everyday conversations with grownups?