Madalyn fell outta bed last night. (this morning). Again. I was just falling asleep around 1 (I had an awful time trying to sleep last night), and I heard the familiar BOOM that shakes the whole house (Jim can prolly hear it upstairs) and I (and Rolo and Whiskers) Jump up and run to her (Rolo and Whiskies sit in the hall outside her room, waiting. seriously.) and she is laying flat on her face on the floor crying. It breaks my heart, everytime. Poor Baby. All she knows is she was sleeping and now she hurts. I pick her up and hold her awhile and then lay her (next to the wall) to sleep with her George, doggie, froggie, and monkey (that she is not scared to touch anymore. it appears her weird phobia of monkey's is over).
She sleeps so all over the place, they both do, but Gracie has a rail up on top, obviously. We had a rail for madalyn, but she would use it to climb up the side of the bunk bed. She'd stand on it and use her incredible toddler strength and skills to pull her self up to where she could sick her knee to get a grip and climb up and over Gracie's bed. It was amazing to watch really, but we had to take it down. I would rather her fall off her bed, than fall climbing up the bunk bed, which she's done before. For a long time, she would try anyway she could to climb up there. and succeeded many times. which is why she is not allowed to play in the bedroom with Gracie anymore.
She hasn't fallen outta bed in a month or so, so I haven't bothered putting the pillow in there, next to the bed. I always make sure the wooden stool with the sharp edges that Gracie got as a baby (has the cow jumping over the moon scene) from her father's crazy pyschotic grandmother (not june) is on the other side of the room, and the fan is moved far enough away, so she doesn't fall outta bed and crack her head open. Poor Baby. She falls all the time, and is always hitting her head. Thank God her ITP is over, or I would be having a panic attack on a regular basis. She got that at the best possible time. Before she was crawling or walking.
Gracie's father's parents and grandmother (not JUne) have only gotten her one thing each. Her entire life. Before she was born his parents sent her up a pink princess sofaw chair that has a sleeping bag in it. She liked it and used it a lot. when she got older. His grandmother (whom I never got a long with. actually I never got a long with any of those alcoholic pyschotic people) sent up a WOODEN stool with SHARP edges for her. ok. wtf is she gonna use that for. She still doesn't use it. It is to big and heavy to move around all the time, and we don't have room in our bathroom for it, so idk. It just sits in her room. None of them have acknowledged her, which is fine with me, and his sisters aren't coming up this summer. Which kinda sucks :( I really wanted to see his little sister (who is 17 now). we got a long great, and when his parents had their huge domestic fight I was the only one that seemed to remember that Ashtin was only 9 or 10 during it and really upset about it.
It's crazy. How often I COMPLETELY forget that Gracie is not Vin's biological child. We were joking around one day and I gave him so faux attitude, and he's like "what'd I do to you" and I was like (cuz it had been one of those days with Gracelyn, altho I was messing around) "You gave me Gracelyn" and he's like staring at me, and I was like 'what?.....OHHHH' haha. I had completely forgotten. It's so hard to believe that she isn't his, just with the way they are together, and how 'perfect' our little family is. I hate that she isn't 'his' but when we get 1500 bucks when I start working, we are hiring the lawyer and we are taking him to court, and Vin is adopting her, cuz right now, I am the only one in the world that has any rights (besides the "DNA right") to Gracelyn. Jordan can't do a damn thing with her, because, Thank God, he willingly gave up EVERYTHING (except the damn paternal rights, which he couldn't give up until I was married and had someone to adopt her). That shows how much he cared even when she was a baby. I will have to leave a note when I go with Ms. Gretchen, Vin and my Mom that states that they can make decisions about her medical care while I am in France. I want Gracelyn to have our last name so bad. I want it to happen before she goes to school and everything, to. Man, I wish we were rich. ha. along with everyone else in the world. But, for now, I will be satisfied to know that she is with us ALL the time, and NEVER has to see Jordan. When she gets older (not sure how old yet) I will sit her down and explain that she has another father out there that is not daddy, but daddy loves her just the same as Madalyn. That conversation is going to break our hearts. I dread having to have that conversation. I don't even know what age to do it. Once Vin adopts her, I will feel so much better. We both will. He doesn't want her to go anywhere near the drug addicted loser, either. I also don't want her to feel that we 'kept' her from her 'real' father when she gets to that rebellious age. IDK. I imagine, when she gets older, if she wants to see him, we will let her, and she can decide if we made the 'right' decision. Altho, by then, I imagine he'll be so far gone, she will (hopefully) realize we did the right thing. Gosh. I hate having to think about things like this, but I absolutely do not regret having her, even when they told me that she may have Downs Syndrome, and I should consider abortion. ha. riiiight. She coulda had 3 heads, and I woulda still had her. It was Gracie and I for so long, I can't imagine not having her. I would be soo different. Prolly still living in Fl with a crackhead and no responsibility. Gracie gave me a reason to get my life together. To give her the best possible life ever. That will always be my goal in life, to give my girls the best possible life. EVER. To make all the right decisions for them. To do the best things possible for them. I know I will screw up in some way, every parent does. I just hope I don't screw up to bad and that they grow up and have a relationship as adults with me, like I do my parents. I can't even picture them grown up. I can't picture Madalyn 3 or 4, talking. or Gracie like 6 or 7, getting into sports (daddy wants her in soccer). I can't picture either of them being this old already. I remember when they were both so little.
They both look so much like my brother, at random times. Madalyn was a SPITTING image of him the other day. Gracie had her moments as a baby to. When she was first born, that';s the first thing I said "She looks like Chris!". The nurses prolly thought that was her real father or something. haha. I can't get over how much Madalyn looked like Chris the other day. I think I will develop that pic and send it to him, when I ship out his package (and Toni's P90X) next week.
Ms. Gretchen goes on Vacay from September 24th thru Oct 1. does anyone know any babysitters? I have school all that week. :-( Ms. Gretchen informed me that she is putting together a kindergarten program for Gracie that focus' on expressive (she is hard to understand at times, as well) and will work with Madalyn to. She really is such a wonderful daycare provider! Part of the reason why we want to move to Camilus. Ok, the whole reason we want to move to camilus. haha. Vin may end up having to take days off of work, cuz I can maybe miss a Tuesday or Wednesday, but that's about it. I even have a 4-6 class on that Monday when I normally have it off :-(
I am making sauce with meat, peppers and onions today. COoking it in the crockpot while we go to the park and Vin plays his soccer. I haven't made sauce in forever. To bad Paul doesn't care enough to invite us over to make it anymore. It's weird, anyways, without Laurie. Whenever (the 3 times I have been there) we are there, she is all I can think about. Even tho she never lived in that house. and there is no evidence of her even being married to Paul there. Gracie talks about her a lot. Every once in a while, I'll play the ppt. for Gracie, and we'll watch it together. I don't want her to forget Grandma Laurie, ever. She was Grandma Laurie's shadow for a long time. She would watch her on Tues and Thurs while I was at school. All day, just the two of them. I hated it at first, and would keep telling her I would send her to daycare, cuz I was so used to be independent and I didn't want Laurie to feel she 'had' to watch her, so I would just tell her I would send her to daycare and Laurie was like "that's stupid. I am here all day. Why send her there when I am here. We'll hang out and eat lunch together and have a good time." and they always did. Even when we moved up here, a couple times a week (when I didn't ahve school, or on Mondays when I had no class) we would go and eat lunch with Laurie on her break (she was a medical transcriptionist or something), and that was our favorite time of the day. THe girls looked forward to it. well, gracie did. Madalyn had no idea what was going on. hahah.
Ok. I am out for good, today. <3
Those aren't the lyrics?
8 years ago
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