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Nookcolor

My wonderful husband got me a nookcolor. It was love at first site.

I plan on reading Radcliffe's 100 best books of the 20th century. Someday before I die. I have already read 4 or 5. I am on my way. LOL.

I also plan on reading a few that aren't on there and re-reading a few that I strongly believe should be on that list.

This morning reminded me why I hate having medicine pts. The Medicine oncalls are idiots. It was a long night.

Working lots of OT this pay period. Might as well keep up the trend I have started this summer with taking all the OT I can get. So what if I don't sleep, eat or see my family? ha. well, really, I just want to save and prepare for winter when the hubs is laid off.

And for my cats up and coming vet bills. She needs a cbc, bmp, and tsh. All for a grand total of 180 dollars. The vet thinks she has feline hyperthyroidism. Really? Sigh.

Had a spectacular time at camp this year. Even if it was only for three days. Fish Creek Ponds is my Heaven. Love it.

aw man.

So, this thing I do everyday, where I don't sleep, has got to stop.

Mommy Guilt.

Ok. So I am totally stealing this word from another person's blog that I stalk, but it is very appropriate for the subject of todays whining, ranting, and/or pointless blog.

I have come across at least 4 different people in the last few weeks that have made me feel this "Mommy guilt", which I will describe as an awful, gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you panic, knowing that you can't possibly being doing what's best for your children. After all, doesn't everyone else know what's best for your children?

This "Mommy guilt" has been brought on by a variety of people. People I have randomly met at the grocery store, standing in line, talking about our jobs, and most of all, patients of mine, who wonder, "Where are your children while you work? Wow. You work alot, you must not be spending a lot of time with them. Wow, their father works to? Who are you entrusting your kids futures to, if their parents must work everyday?"

Yes. My kids are at daycare 5 days a week, 10-11 hours a day. Yes, sometimes we even have to have a babysitter on Saturdays, if we both have to work. Yes, I feel bad about this. However, I would rather have my kids fed, have a roof over their heads, and electricity, than worry about their futures without the supportive presence of their parents. Does that make me a bad parent?

I do feel guilty, and on my days off, despite how tired and/or cranky I may be, despite the days I go without sleeping, I make our days full of fun. Trips to the park, trips to the museum of play, the bounce house, the zoo. We have a good ol' time, making me forget about the fact that I spend more time at work, it seems, that with my children.

I was arguing this point, yes, arguing, with my bed-ridden, sick patient, who was arguing to the death that "can't you work part time, so that your children have a mother?". No. I can not work part time so that my children have a mother. The bills must get paid. What kind of mother would I be if we were living in a box on a corner? Oh, but I would be home with them. I would be a supportive presence in their lives. That would be okay. Thank God, a Doctor came in to save me. When he came out, he suggested I just bring my girls to work with me, and make them candy stripers. They could sit and talk to people in comas, just gab away all day/night, then I would always know where they were, and they would always be with me. Forget all the germs and diseases I would be exposing them to, at least I would be a supportive presence in their life.

I felt a little better, knowing that that doctor spent less time with his own children than I did. Does that make me a bad person?

However, when that doctor becomes an Attending, he can buy his kids 3 horses and a third house on the beach so that they forget he is not around. I am lucky if I have enough money left over after bills to give my girls a second helping of food. (Okay, this may be a slight exaggeration).

Does working a lot make me a bad person? Does the fact that on a day when the girls will not stop arguing and yelling and fighting, I am just counting down the hours until I go to work? However, when I have had a hard night at work, the thing I want most is to just come home and hug my little girls. Does that make up for my wanting to get away? Is it selfish to want to leave and go to work and converse with adults that I do not share a life with? That I won't argue with about bills and how to raise our children? To be able to have normal everyday conversations with grownups?

If ever a day

If ever a day I could go without screaming at my kids.....well, I don't know what I would do. Such a day does not possibly exist in my next 15 years....

Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day...

So, I have an entire week of of work. well, now I am half way through said week. This is the first decent day we have had. High around 80. The past few days have been typical upstate NY weather. Rainy. Cloudy. 60's. Last week, the week I worked 6 12's, the weather was 90s and beautiful. Go figure.

I had my little sister this week, who will be 9 on Monday. The girls all got a long great. Still not thinking I want another one. Or. Maybe, if I could be promised not to be so sick I have to be hospitalized, have an easy labor like with the last two, and have a full time nanny to take care of the baby when I run out of hours in a day. hahaha. So, yeah. No more for us. But, man. Babies are so darn cute! I am totally content in my decision to have no more, and would most likely suffer a massive anxiety/heart attack if I ever found out I was pregnant.

We have to move soon. I can't deal with this neighborhood. Altho, this neighborhood is most likely the safest around. Our car was broken into (well, 'broken' is relative. we some how left our car doors unlocked) on Christmas morning, and our GPS was stolen. My neighbors truck was broken into, (for real), the other day and his CD player was stolen. Bad drivers back into our vehicles a handful of times, (our fault for continuously parking across the street from their driveway), and I am scared when walking out to my car at 1030pm, when I am on my way to work. But, overall, aside from my scaredy catness, this area is the best in the city. Living in the city is convenient. It is a 10 minute drive to work. It is a 2 minute drive to Price Chopper. The gas station is down the street. I love it. But, I also miss having a yard that I can send the kids out in, without being scared to turn my back for 3 seconds, for fear that some weirdo will snatch them, or they run into the road. Plus, I want a dog. I would not torture another dog by having to live here, with our little yard. Altho, Rolo loved it, and didn't seem to mind.

Rumor has it, that I can add "RN" to my drivers license, therefore, getting out of tickets easier. Most cops will let nurses go from little tickets like speeding and what not. After all, we keep the doctors from killing you. hahaha. Altho, I have run across some first year residents, that that sentence really isn't that far off from.....


Off to enjoy this beautiful day with my girls, my mom & sister, and prolly my cousin and her little boys.

This is the highlight of my summer. hahaha. But I love it, and wouldn't trade my life for the world.

Camping is in a few weeks! WOOOOOT!!!

my girlies.

 the girls and my step son.